1. The “Brilliant Negotiator”
Item A, listed at $50
B.N. “What is lowest price you will take?”
Me. “Make me an offer.”
B.N. “What’s your BOTTOM LINE?”
Me. “$45"
B.N. “Will you take $40?”
[Face Palm]
2. The “Car-Less Buyer”
Item B, listed for $5
C.B. “I LOVE this item, I really want it, but I don’t have a car. I am trying to
find a ride.”
Me. “Okay, let me know.”
C.B. “I can meet you tomorrow, my boyfriend/mother/grandmother is giving
me a ride.”
Me. “Great!”
[They don’t show up . . . text received 10 minutes after meeting time.]
C.B. “My ride fell through. I really, really want the Item B. Will you deliver?
30 miles away?
[The sound of my teeth grinding scares my kids.]
3. The “Why-would-I-bother-to-read-the-entire-ad” (W.R.)
Item C, listed for $20, in my town, size and condition listed
W.R. “I want Item C. How much is it?”
Me. “$20.”
W.R. “Oh. I’m not sure it will work though. What size?”
Me. “It’s this size. The size I said.” [Commence eye roll.]
W.R. “Okay. Is it in good condition?”
Me. [Take a deep breath] “Yes, it is in the condition I said.”
W.R. “Awesome! Are you in my town?”
Me. “Um, I am in the town listed. Is that your town?”
W.R. “Oh, no, I would have to drive out of town. Hmm. How much is it?”
[Can internal screams shatter my ear drums?]
4. The “My Daddy Spoiled Me”
Item D, $15, in new condition, retails for $40
M.D.S.M. “I LOVE this, I really want it, but I have to drive from 15 minutes
away. Will you take $10 off for my gas?”
[You can hear a pin drop.]
5. The “Alien Abduction Victim”
Item E, listed for $150
A.A.V. “I really want this for full price! I will contact you tonight!
Me. “Awesome! Just get back to me.”
[Two days later.]
A.A.V. “I was unable to contact you. [Mars, maybe?] I REALLY want it. I will
pay you $10 more for the trouble. I’ll call tonight to arrange a pick-up.”
Me. “Sure. Okay. Let me know.”
[Three days later.]
A.A.V. “Oh, man, reception has been terrible. [The Moon has NO cell towers.]
I WANT THIS! I will call you tonight and come get it.
Me. “Hmm, okay, sure.”
[Next day]
A.A.V. “I've just had a rough month, and I don’t have the money. [Little green
pick-pockets?] I will call you next month to see if you still have it.
[Means “You’ll never hear from me again because next month I am moving to
a moon of Jupiter."]
6. The “Bot”
Item F, listed for $10
B. "I like it item u list, it perfect, I cant get until next week, give me your
address, phone number, social security, bank account number, and your
firstborn child.”
[Delete email.]
7. The “Unicorn”
Item G, listed for $100
U. “This is exactly what I need! I will meet you wherever and whenever you’d
like. I have cash in hand.”
Me. "Great!"
[They show up on time. They buy it. The heavens open up, and the
Hallelujah chorus blares triumphantly.]
Item A, listed at $50
B.N. “What is lowest price you will take?”
Me. “Make me an offer.”
B.N. “What’s your BOTTOM LINE?”
Me. “$45"
B.N. “Will you take $40?”
[Face Palm]
2. The “Car-Less Buyer”
Item B, listed for $5
C.B. “I LOVE this item, I really want it, but I don’t have a car. I am trying to
find a ride.”
Me. “Okay, let me know.”
C.B. “I can meet you tomorrow, my boyfriend/mother/grandmother is giving
me a ride.”
Me. “Great!”
[They don’t show up . . . text received 10 minutes after meeting time.]
C.B. “My ride fell through. I really, really want the Item B. Will you deliver?
30 miles away?
[The sound of my teeth grinding scares my kids.]
3. The “Why-would-I-bother-to-read-the-entire-ad” (W.R.)
Item C, listed for $20, in my town, size and condition listed
W.R. “I want Item C. How much is it?”
Me. “$20.”
W.R. “Oh. I’m not sure it will work though. What size?”
Me. “It’s this size. The size I said.” [Commence eye roll.]
W.R. “Okay. Is it in good condition?”
Me. [Take a deep breath] “Yes, it is in the condition I said.”
W.R. “Awesome! Are you in my town?”
Me. “Um, I am in the town listed. Is that your town?”
W.R. “Oh, no, I would have to drive out of town. Hmm. How much is it?”
[Can internal screams shatter my ear drums?]
4. The “My Daddy Spoiled Me”
Item D, $15, in new condition, retails for $40
M.D.S.M. “I LOVE this, I really want it, but I have to drive from 15 minutes
away. Will you take $10 off for my gas?”
[You can hear a pin drop.]
5. The “Alien Abduction Victim”
Item E, listed for $150
A.A.V. “I really want this for full price! I will contact you tonight!
Me. “Awesome! Just get back to me.”
[Two days later.]
A.A.V. “I was unable to contact you. [Mars, maybe?] I REALLY want it. I will
pay you $10 more for the trouble. I’ll call tonight to arrange a pick-up.”
Me. “Sure. Okay. Let me know.”
[Three days later.]
A.A.V. “Oh, man, reception has been terrible. [The Moon has NO cell towers.]
I WANT THIS! I will call you tonight and come get it.
Me. “Hmm, okay, sure.”
[Next day]
A.A.V. “I've just had a rough month, and I don’t have the money. [Little green
pick-pockets?] I will call you next month to see if you still have it.
[Means “You’ll never hear from me again because next month I am moving to
a moon of Jupiter."]
6. The “Bot”
Item F, listed for $10
B. "I like it item u list, it perfect, I cant get until next week, give me your
address, phone number, social security, bank account number, and your
firstborn child.”
[Delete email.]
7. The “Unicorn”
Item G, listed for $100
U. “This is exactly what I need! I will meet you wherever and whenever you’d
like. I have cash in hand.”
Me. "Great!"
[They show up on time. They buy it. The heavens open up, and the
Hallelujah chorus blares triumphantly.]
I was trying to find me in this list! I want it. I will come get it.... oops, sorry forgot. I shall be in town next week.... oops, I forgot.... Do you still have it? I still want it. Ooops I forgot again..... :)
ReplyDeleteYou are too funny! These don't apply to people I already know (wink, wink). But they are pretty much all based on true stories and have happened more than once in one form or another . . . and all with complete strangers! haha
DeleteLove it! I needed a good laugh!
ReplyDelete